Smokers

gaaah i knew there was a reason i hadn't told any of my friends that i smoked. Because now all they do is judge and i'm like freaking hell most people smoke what is your specific problem with me smoking?? like seriously why does it make a difference that me out of everyone shouldn't smoke. I just wish that they'd never found out! I mean its not peer pressure when you're being peer pressured out of it. I WANT TO SMOKE!! What is it that people can't understand about that. I'm not a heavy smoker, at most (unless i'm on a night out) i'll have 3 or 4 a day. I just smoke because i like it, it's relaxing, it's just time by myself to think. It keeps me going, like my cup of coffee. Why can i not do something that i actually enjoy doing. I wonder how long they are going to keep it up, i mean they can't have a go at me forever. Maybe i'll just tell them that i quit and be more careful that they don't find out again. grrrr silly people can't they just let me be me, i'm just trying to find myself and giving me a hard time for doing so is not going to make it happen any sooner.

In other news i have decided to go on the special k diet, although instead of eating special k i'm going to eat bran flakes. Which i think is probably better. I've heard it actually really makes you lose weight so i'm excited for that!! At the end of the month i've got a fancy dress party to go to which i'm basically going to in a bikini so i need to get rid of the flab so that i look ultra ultra hot and boys there want to fuck me. Thats all i want to achieve from this party. Seriously i need to find myself a fuck buddy. Boyfriends hurt and they make you cry, but i'm so horny i need some fun stuff. I don't care if that makes me a slag and people judge me for that. I have absoloutely no love interest at all and its really boring me now. I dont even have a flirtation. it sucks. I just really want someone to make me feel a little bit attractive you know. It doesn't help that im surrounded by boys all day at college and all they talk about is sex and turds, i mean i can't even fancy them and look at them in that way when i know how disgusting they really are. I want someone i can at least pretend isn't like that, because they dont act like that around me!!!!

Thursday crew, Italian food and beautiful men.

Thursday was soooo much freakin fun. Me and G booked our holiday for turkey summer 2010!! We go on the 27th June for two weeks, which means just after we finish college we will be going away. I cannot wait. We're going to have such a god damn awesome time of it. And then i will be off to uni which of course is vair scary but i cannot wait to leave home and live by my own rules for once. Not that i particularly care what my rents tell me not to do but at least i won't have to lie about where i am or what im doing when i no longer live at home.

Then after we did that we met up with S and B and went out for drinks and fun and the like. At first (when we were with L and Z) we couldn't get served anywhere, and then they left and we were going to give up ourselves, even though B and Z are actually 18 so technically they can get served just the rest of us can't. Well anyway there was the 4 of us left Me, G, B and S and then we decided to try one last place which from now on will just be known as the Lbar. And luckily we managed to get served there. Then later on a girl which G and B know (KB) came and was working there! And we did some well dodgy cookies and cream, strawberry's and cream, and mint chocolate 50p shots and chain smoked and danced and chatted all night and just had a really good time of it. So we've decided that from now on it's just gonna be us 4 going out every thursday. Plus we know the staff so its all good.

Then last night i went to an Italian restaurant with E, A and A's boyfriend (or should i actually say as of today ex) and we ate tons of food and chatted and had a laugh and it was just really fun. And then i stayed over at A's and we had nice girlie chats. And then today i got a text from A saying that her boyfriend broke up with her and the excuse?? because she wasn't christian i mean how pathetic is that really??? thats about the most stupid excuse i ever heard. Boys really are stupid stupid stupid!!!!!!!

I served the most beautiful man at work today. Gosh i just couldn't stop looking at him. No man as beautiful as that though would ever be with someone like me. I'm not even anywhere close to his league for even possible consideration. It sucks but hey i can still hope and dream. I long ago realised that dreams are dreams, they never come true but they sure make you feel good.

Plus i think theres a possibility i might get in trouble at work which i'm really worried about. But i wont mention it until i know if i will get in trouble. Fingers crossed they'll never realise and never mention it to me. Here's hoping...