Smokers

gaaah i knew there was a reason i hadn't told any of my friends that i smoked. Because now all they do is judge and i'm like freaking hell most people smoke what is your specific problem with me smoking?? like seriously why does it make a difference that me out of everyone shouldn't smoke. I just wish that they'd never found out! I mean its not peer pressure when you're being peer pressured out of it. I WANT TO SMOKE!! What is it that people can't understand about that. I'm not a heavy smoker, at most (unless i'm on a night out) i'll have 3 or 4 a day. I just smoke because i like it, it's relaxing, it's just time by myself to think. It keeps me going, like my cup of coffee. Why can i not do something that i actually enjoy doing. I wonder how long they are going to keep it up, i mean they can't have a go at me forever. Maybe i'll just tell them that i quit and be more careful that they don't find out again. grrrr silly people can't they just let me be me, i'm just trying to find myself and giving me a hard time for doing so is not going to make it happen any sooner.

In other news i have decided to go on the special k diet, although instead of eating special k i'm going to eat bran flakes. Which i think is probably better. I've heard it actually really makes you lose weight so i'm excited for that!! At the end of the month i've got a fancy dress party to go to which i'm basically going to in a bikini so i need to get rid of the flab so that i look ultra ultra hot and boys there want to fuck me. Thats all i want to achieve from this party. Seriously i need to find myself a fuck buddy. Boyfriends hurt and they make you cry, but i'm so horny i need some fun stuff. I don't care if that makes me a slag and people judge me for that. I have absoloutely no love interest at all and its really boring me now. I dont even have a flirtation. it sucks. I just really want someone to make me feel a little bit attractive you know. It doesn't help that im surrounded by boys all day at college and all they talk about is sex and turds, i mean i can't even fancy them and look at them in that way when i know how disgusting they really are. I want someone i can at least pretend isn't like that, because they dont act like that around me!!!!

Thursday crew, Italian food and beautiful men.

Thursday was soooo much freakin fun. Me and G booked our holiday for turkey summer 2010!! We go on the 27th June for two weeks, which means just after we finish college we will be going away. I cannot wait. We're going to have such a god damn awesome time of it. And then i will be off to uni which of course is vair scary but i cannot wait to leave home and live by my own rules for once. Not that i particularly care what my rents tell me not to do but at least i won't have to lie about where i am or what im doing when i no longer live at home.

Then after we did that we met up with S and B and went out for drinks and fun and the like. At first (when we were with L and Z) we couldn't get served anywhere, and then they left and we were going to give up ourselves, even though B and Z are actually 18 so technically they can get served just the rest of us can't. Well anyway there was the 4 of us left Me, G, B and S and then we decided to try one last place which from now on will just be known as the Lbar. And luckily we managed to get served there. Then later on a girl which G and B know (KB) came and was working there! And we did some well dodgy cookies and cream, strawberry's and cream, and mint chocolate 50p shots and chain smoked and danced and chatted all night and just had a really good time of it. So we've decided that from now on it's just gonna be us 4 going out every thursday. Plus we know the staff so its all good.

Then last night i went to an Italian restaurant with E, A and A's boyfriend (or should i actually say as of today ex) and we ate tons of food and chatted and had a laugh and it was just really fun. And then i stayed over at A's and we had nice girlie chats. And then today i got a text from A saying that her boyfriend broke up with her and the excuse?? because she wasn't christian i mean how pathetic is that really??? thats about the most stupid excuse i ever heard. Boys really are stupid stupid stupid!!!!!!!

I served the most beautiful man at work today. Gosh i just couldn't stop looking at him. No man as beautiful as that though would ever be with someone like me. I'm not even anywhere close to his league for even possible consideration. It sucks but hey i can still hope and dream. I long ago realised that dreams are dreams, they never come true but they sure make you feel good.

Plus i think theres a possibility i might get in trouble at work which i'm really worried about. But i wont mention it until i know if i will get in trouble. Fingers crossed they'll never realise and never mention it to me. Here's hoping...

I can only be one person!!!

gaaah i know i've already posted today but jeeeeez G just had a massive go at me! Apparently she doesn't want me being friends with J. Apparently J isn't very nice to me, and J doesn't treat me good, and yet i continue to bum her even after G has told me this. Apparently i'm a different person around J and that she doesnt like how much i drink when i'm with her, how much i do stupid things when i'm with her or how she encourages me to be a slag. Well i'm sorry G but i'm not about to drop one of my closest friends just because you dont like her. I like her. And surely thats what matters more here.

Gosh i was with you when you and B were having problems, i stood by you, i backed you up. I told you i loved you and that i'd always be there for you, and yet now as soon as you and B are all hunky dory again you want nothing to do with me. You say J uses me but look at you! I always try and stick by you through thick and thin, i look out for you, but stop being my mother let me have some freakin fun for once. I mean seriously you are not helping me feel better at all. If you hadn't noticed i am sliding back into the depression that i had at the start of college, but no have you noticed that no you have not!!!! If you weren't so self fucking absorbed then maybe you'd have noticed the fact that i basically haven't eaten this entire week!! Did you even notice i was back to those old ways??? i bet not. So for fuck sake, whilst i'm trying to be everyones friend and make sure i upset no one and you're out there thinking of no one but yourself just stop and think a moment before you start having a go at me will you???

Bored of College

I am so bored of college right now. I just can't stand to be in there, it smells funny and is just about one of the most depressing places to be right now. i LOVE the work, don't get me wrong. I adore doing film, and i'm pretty much getting into that right now, but i can do that work outside of college. And i just don't seem to be able to work inside of college. So i've not been really going all that much. I haven't completed an entire day this week, Bad i know and i probably won't get paid my EMA. But quite frankly i don't care. i got paid today anyway, i have a job i don't need it.

Plus G is being a right old pain in the arse. She's been moody again with me today for not paying her enough attention or something and i mean seriously! Gawd i do have other friends other than her, and am i not allowed to actually get on with my work or do i have to just sit there and watch her do hers all day and sit with that freaking annoying group of girls that just bitch and bitch about people and how fat and ugly they are. I mean seriously i cannot be doing with that. I really don't even want to know what's been said about me. But probably not much nice stuff.

On a nicer note L texted me, which i was pretty chuffed about. And it was just a hey how you doing? like seriously not even for a proper purpose she just wants to be my friend. I dunno i've never had someone so cool actually make a proper effort to be my friend before it's just so damn awesome!!! Plus her DJ boyfriend added me on facebook, and i didn't even know he knew i existed. Like seriously i am so happy that people i always considered to be too cool to even know of my existance are actually the ones making the effort to be my friend. It's just too damn awesome. Maybe they can introduce me to some cool hot guy thats not an arsehole (which i got to admit could possibly be very rare cause if they're cool and hot it is generally considered that they are also a twat.) and then my life would be on the up. I know that i don't want to be one of those girls that needs a boyfriend to feel good about themselves but quite frankly i'm bored of being single and slaggy. I know thats kind of what makes me who i am, seeing as the only time that i've never been that way was in the month of August this year where i briefly went out with R who i thought was one of the nice ones but blatantly wasn't. I just need someone to be good to me you know, to give me cuddles, buy me stuff, treat me nice, someone for me to look after in return. And someone to give me regular sex without me being a slag. I don't even mind anymore that i'm known as a bit of a slag. Not that i'm particularly happy with the title, it's just i know that i deserve it, i do get about a bit. But thats only because i'm looking for someone to give me worth, only i've been going about it completely the wrong way, and unsuprisingly it hasn't worked.

Hmmmmm maybe i just need to have some time. On the plus i've decided i'm getting skinny!! I hate being chunky, i used to be skinny but i've put on so much weight. And now its gonna go again, the same way that i got rid of it last time, basically by not eating. I know it's not exactly healthy, but it works, it makes me look good, and its all i got.

The morning after the night before the night before

Okay so i got to admit its monday and i still think i'm a little hungover from the party on saturday night. I did drink too much yes, but i haven't been that fucked in ages and its actually a lot of fun. I think the problem was that i told people to make me drinks and they basically just mixed up all of the spirits on the table into a big glass then told me to down it. I made a couple of new friends though. I make friends pretty easily when i'm drunk cause like basically im a pretty mental drunkered person and do stupid stuff like climb out the bedroom window and try and edge along the window sill to climb onto the roof. Which getting that flashback freaked me out completely seeing as i can see how badly that could have ended. Plus at some point J, L, and A (must point out all girls) decided to have a competition to see who could give me a lovebite so i basically look like i've been mauled and my parents think i'm a slag. And seeing as i threw up all over my driveway when i got home the next day you can imagine i am not exactly the darling daughter at the moment.

But back to my new friends. L is sooo cool. Shes really pretty and her bf is a DJ so basically just someone that is too cool to want to be my friend. Only she does!!! and we get on really well!! how amazing is that. Someone pretty cool actually chose to spend most of the night with me! I am shocked. Although now people think i was all lesbian with her, only we weren't. I think thats just the boys hoping they walked in on some lesbian action when they really didn't. aha.

I also made friends with A who is pretty cool and hippy. and well basically im feeling pretty friendly and popular right now. If only i could find myself a lovely man to go with that. I've said it before and ill say it again. 'All i want is someone who smells nice and can give me good cuddles' thats all any girl really wants right? and i mean seriously thats all im looking for. I'm not a demanding person. Thats all i want.

Early Mornings

Sometimes i think my body doesn't actually like me at all. Seriously i mean the one day this week that i get to have a lie in and it won't even allow that!!! What is wrong with me. What teenager wakes up before eight o 'clock on a saturday without even an alarm. I'm a freak. A massive massive freak! Anyway i think i might walk to work today, because then i can go buy some fags from somewhere and actually have one which i didn't get to do yesterday so was all moany and what not. Plus i could probably do with the excersize.

I'm so looking forward to J's party later, even though R will be there but there is bound to be loads of people there so i probably wont even have to talk to him. I have been to parties where there have been only a few people and he's been there and still managed not to talk to him and have a good time. Besides i got a bottle of whisky, and Z said that he's gonna try and get hold of some shrooms so hopefully i will be so off my face that i wont even notice that he's there. But i need to find something ultra hot to wear, so i look AMAZING and then R will regret ever treating me like poo and making me cry so much. I dont think i want to pull though to be honest, because in all fairness i have already been with too many of my friends and already have a bad rep and i dont really want to make that any worse. Even though i would luuurve to get with someone in front of R so i know he definately knows about it. Although i dont actually know if he'd really care or not. I'm not sure if he knows i slept with N. But i do get the feeling that R was never really into me, so getting over me im sure was not a problem, meaning he wouldn't even care if i got with anyone else or not. Gaaaaah i hate males, they are all the same, only after one thing. I just want someone i can hang out with and who smells nice and can give me cuddles! is that too much to ask? apparently yes. I wont let it get me down too much though. Lifes too short. Besides im far too young to settledown. Singledom means i can do what i want, when i want, without having to worry too much about what anyone else thinks of what im doing. And lets face it life is sooo much more fun that way.

Good Day

I think that right now my luck is starting to change. I got a macbook, which to be honest is better than any computer i'd ever imagined id get. I popped into work to check my hours and found out i got Sunday off which means I'm able to go to my friends 18th birthday party on Saturday night, and my rents are going to give me a lift there which means i don't have to get the two trains that it would have taken me to get there. Things are finally starting to look up. But now quite frankly all i need to find is a boy that isn't a complete and utter twat and life will be hunky dory but hey its never perfect is it. There was a time when i did think that everything was falling into place. I got myself a job and a boyfriend, and my friends and i were generally having fun. Then my boyfriend dumped me over msn and i found out all my friends were actually some of the most spiteful people you could ever meet and i felt like that jack Johnson song ' where'd all the good people go'.

But maybe life's not all that bad. I'm seventeen, I'm young, I'm at art college, I'm doing what art college students do, drink, drugs, and sex. How long am i really going to get away with that?? Quite frankly at some point I'm going to have to grow up but right now i don't so why not make the most of it??

Also my no carbs diet is working quite well. I actually have managed to stay away from carbs all day!! At college its a lot more difficult due to the pressures of friends and cake and chips. But overall I'm doing pretty good i should say so. I'm thinking that ill be skinny before long, and will look ultra hot and then R will definitely regret the way that he treated me!!! If only i could sneak away for a fag right now...