Smokers

gaaah i knew there was a reason i hadn't told any of my friends that i smoked. Because now all they do is judge and i'm like freaking hell most people smoke what is your specific problem with me smoking?? like seriously why does it make a difference that me out of everyone shouldn't smoke. I just wish that they'd never found out! I mean its not peer pressure when you're being peer pressured out of it. I WANT TO SMOKE!! What is it that people can't understand about that. I'm not a heavy smoker, at most (unless i'm on a night out) i'll have 3 or 4 a day. I just smoke because i like it, it's relaxing, it's just time by myself to think. It keeps me going, like my cup of coffee. Why can i not do something that i actually enjoy doing. I wonder how long they are going to keep it up, i mean they can't have a go at me forever. Maybe i'll just tell them that i quit and be more careful that they don't find out again. grrrr silly people can't they just let me be me, i'm just trying to find myself and giving me a hard time for doing so is not going to make it happen any sooner.

In other news i have decided to go on the special k diet, although instead of eating special k i'm going to eat bran flakes. Which i think is probably better. I've heard it actually really makes you lose weight so i'm excited for that!! At the end of the month i've got a fancy dress party to go to which i'm basically going to in a bikini so i need to get rid of the flab so that i look ultra ultra hot and boys there want to fuck me. Thats all i want to achieve from this party. Seriously i need to find myself a fuck buddy. Boyfriends hurt and they make you cry, but i'm so horny i need some fun stuff. I don't care if that makes me a slag and people judge me for that. I have absoloutely no love interest at all and its really boring me now. I dont even have a flirtation. it sucks. I just really want someone to make me feel a little bit attractive you know. It doesn't help that im surrounded by boys all day at college and all they talk about is sex and turds, i mean i can't even fancy them and look at them in that way when i know how disgusting they really are. I want someone i can at least pretend isn't like that, because they dont act like that around me!!!!